ME

OK - this one is all about me, and my body. Once again, I have reached the point of disgust with myself, and so I thought that if I put it down here in print, for all the world to see, maybe, just maybe, I can get the determination, and endurance, and lord knows what, to lose weight.
I am 67 years old, am now 5' 2" tall, (I used to be 5' 2 3/4" tall) and weighed this morning before consuming anything, 191 pounds. This is ridiculous, I feel like a blob.
Admittedly I am a foodie, as are my sons, and I love to cook, and am good at it. One of the joys of my life is starting a new recipe. I actually love to grocery shop. I love to read recipes even. What chance have I?
And the thing is, my OCD is a big deterrence. Years ago, in fact the year before the big snow storm in Chicago on Valentine's Day I went on a liquid diet, starting at 177 and eventually getting down to 117 pounds. This was through Rush Hospital, and they had a weekly counseling session, run by a guy who was as skinny as we were all fat. At one session he pulled me out into the hall and said that he thought my weight problems stemmed not from any psychological issues but from OCD, and would I consider taking meds. I was stunned. I never even dreamt I had such a thing, even though I did realize I had some odd habits. I immediately came home and asked my husband if he knew I had OCD, and he said "Sure". Wow!
So. But being a definite non-pill person, I declined the meds. And like everybody else, I regained the weight. But I did quit exercising hard and I went back to my old eating habits. I have nobody to blame but myself.
I hate my body, hate it, but unfortunately for any weight loss efforts, it works. I am blessed with good genes, and my mother, who lived to be 98 1/2, was overweight after she had me at 44 (and had struggled to keep a decent weight for long before that, telling me that she used to eat only one meal a day). In fact, I have her body. Her sister was obese, and lived to be over 90. My father and his sisters were long-lived, most in their 80s and some well into the 90s. He was 90 when he died. My mother's only health issues were arthritis and incontinence. Period. No high blood pressure, no diabetes, no high cholesterol. When I took her, finally, to a nursing home at age 96, they refused to believe me when I told them she was on no pills at all.
So there is no health issue that can give me any incentive. Sure, I have arthritis in my knees, but it does not keep me from going up and down stairs a zillion times a day, or walking five miles.
I eat too much, and move too little. Period. I love food and wine. Too much.

What to do? What to do? In the past, I get bored with any diet after a while. Last year, 2008, at the beginning, I started taking that Alli (I was so desperate that, yes, I took pills). I followed the on-line diet religiously, and from 192, I dropped to 173 by June! But the diet was so much trouble, I began to be concerned about any long-term effects, and I was bored with it. So I quit. And quit exercising, which I was doing. And look what happened. Back to Go.
Another thing. I seem always to hover around the same weight. For decades now. I don't keep on gaining at least. And I console myself with that fact, not good.

I am gearing up to start another diet and exercise program. The diet from "1,001 Simple Ways to Lose Weight" by Gary L. Rempe, copyright 1997. I own a bunch of diet books, natch, and this was the first in alpha order. And I see I have gone on the diet before, in 2002. I started at 188, only 3 pounds from now. And it is a 40 day diet, which will give me a good start - I hope. I have done this so very many times now. And I ALWAYS at some point, quit. The thing is, I must, simply MUST, learn how to eat without a diet regimen. But first things first, I think.

Many others have weight loss blogs, I know, but this really isn't for you, it's for me. And how many are my age? I want to live forever, and begin to worry that I cannot do that at this weight. And I'm so sick of the way I look. Yesterday, I even went out and bought Product, something I haven't done for years, mascara, blush, foundation, etc.

So all this writing is by way of gearing myself up, of putting on the sword, and shield, and chain mail, and helmet, so to speak. (I love all things medieval.)

I haven't gone out and bought the food yet. Am still looking for Product. And I must somehow learn to go off the diet when I travel and go out to restaurants, but still make the right choices. And give up alcohol. Hard. And exercise. And yes, get back to the bus routes, maybe ease off gardening for a while. I also hate my house and garden and the way they both look. See, all that involves movement, cleaning and washing and weeding. Something I'm not very good at. This very blog is stationary.

And another thing. I am married to a 70-year-old man, who jogs five miles every other day, who is 6' tall, and can eat every and any thing he wants, and weighs what he did in high school, maybe less. I know that even if he didn't run, his body would still metabolize at a disgusting rate. His sister's does. People who watch him eat can't believe his weight. Or how much he can put down. And when I cook something, he has always persisted in splitting it right down the middle, giving me half. I could serve myself first, and should, and then let him put the leftovers away. But, while I know that my weight is not his problem, he knows that it is very hard, due to my OCD, for me to leave anything. This is what the guy at Rush picked up on, that I have to finish things. Or eat something that I can finish. Another thing I must get past, somehow.

My exercise plan is to get up every morning 30 minutes before dawn, throw on some clothes, and go off walking down the Illinois Prairie Path for an hour to a walking tape that a deceased friend recorded for me years ago. It thus has resonance. And I have done this before and actually enjoy it. The world is different then, particularly the light. It is magical. I sleep better, and feel better about myself. Why then do I always discontinue? Is there an inner Being I can connect to? I wish I believed that.

I would also do, every other day, some exercises from a book called "101 Essential Tips Breast Care" by Dr. Miriam Stoppard, also 1997, and a DK Publishing book, which puts out great stuff. I have done this set, which takes me about 40 minutes, off and on for years now also, and again, feel great when they finally kick in, about 4 to 6 weeks after I start. I tie them in to making my bed, which I do religiously every day. I hate getting in an unmade bed. And that works for me. Or has.

Then I would like to, before lunch, do a little dancing in the basement to my CDs. I love to dance, and I just freestyle my way around here. It's fun.

And after dinner, instead of parking in front of the TV for a DVD, which I usually do, to just do a little of the "20 Minute Workout" that I have taped from many years ago. Admittedly it's for 20-year-olds, but, hey, they do have great bods, and give me inspiration. It would probably take me a year just to work up to doing 20 minutes.

Too much? Maybe. But I have the metabolism of a slug. Which reminds me that I saw that word in the name of an English pub in Norwich, "The Lettuce and the Slug".

So here we are. And here we go.